Embers of the Soul: Navigating the Inner Fire
Throughout my life, there has always been a constant struggle inside my heart, a battle of what's going on inside me. In this struggle, anger often took reign, becoming the main emotion that I showed. This is the tale of my journey, a path strewn with the rubble of suppressed feelings and the flickering lights of a passionate fire.
When I was younger, I felt like anger was the only emotion I could express. It was noticed, and it was reciprocated. I always yearned for that reciprocation, even if the feelings weren’t good. This came from a deep desire to be accepted. I understand now. It wasn’t me. I hid behind that deep desire to achieve. The burning fire inside. To accomplish. To be something.
From my earliest days, anger was an impenetrable shield, guarding me from the unforgiving world of my home. It was a straightforward language, easy, harsh, yet comprehensible without needing explanation. Yet, beneath this shield of rage, a storm of other emotions churned—love, joy, care—all suppressed and hidden as if they were unwelcome visitors in the very sanctuary of my soul. These other feelings, love, joy, and care, didn’t matter to me. What mattered to me was being something and doing something. Running away from anything that felt remotely vulnerable. My internal instinct has always been to distract myself in order to avoid thinking about or feeling emotions.
Year after year, I built this strong armor around myself, which no one could penetrate. It became to the point that not even I could penetrate it, and I became so detached from my feelings. I didn’t care, though. I just knew that I wouldn’t be the one who got hurt. I would hurt before I was hurt. This impenetrable shield that I had around me grew stronger and stronger.
Inside the armor I built is a deep, deep, dark contrast between my love, grief, and solidarity. My true nature as a being of profound passion contrasts with the practice of emotional concealment.
Essentially, passion resembles the intensity of fire and the force of anger. However, while anger has destructive potential, passion possesses the transformative ability to create.
This duality defines my existence, creating a dichotomy between the external expression of anger and the internal realm of creativity.
There has always been a fiery passion inside of me. In a world shrouded in ambiguity, acknowledging this duality of my emotions has been a challenging effort. It began with the realization that my inner landscape was far more complex than I had presented to the world or acknowledged to myself. I am starting to understand this acknowledgment is not a concession of weakness, as I’d always thought, but rather a declaration of strength.
Even though anger had previously reigned supreme, it’s finding its place amidst a diverse range of emotions and giving me the ability to show my true self-expression in creativity. But even though that's the case, this change isn't free of obstacles. There are still moments when the old instincts to suppress, hide, and armor myself against vulnerability are threatened to resurface.
Embracing the full spectrum of my feelings is hard for me. I try, knowing it will allow me to experience life more profoundly. The anger is still there, but it no longer stands alone. In this tale of self-discovery, I am trying to understand that true strength lies not in suppressing emotions but in their acceptance. By allowing myself to feel everything—the pain, the joy, the fear, the love—I am not becoming less of myself but more. I am no longer a prisoner of my own making but a traveler on a vast, uncharted journey. And it is in this journey that I am finding my truest self, not defined by anger alone but enriched by the whole beautiful spectrum of human emotion.
Though deeply personal, this tale serves as a universal reminder that our truest selves emerge not from suppressing our emotions but from bravely facing them, understanding them, and, ultimately, integrating them into the fabric of our being. In doing so, we move closer to living a life not defined by a single emotion but guided by the full spectrum of the human experience.
